My Little Grey Book

it almost felt painful.the sudden awakening was not expected nor anticipated.but it came just like that.a blow so strong that i find my tears cried earlier wasn’t wasted after all.it’s half a semester gone n i am finally awake.the truth is,i have been slacking,in my studies.i duno wat happened or wat did not happen but i just slacked.i was thinking n trying to find answer to that big WHY question..so i told myself that ‘maybe it was the fairly gd grades i got last semester’.i somehow let it got to my head and i relaxed..fight-for-survival mode was subconsciously shut down.yes,i got fairly good grades last sem. but i forgot how hard i’ve worked for it..and i’m suppose to be doing even better had i kept the mode on.the whole "i don’t like to feel stupid" scenario just seem so wrong.when i was in the exam hall,struggling with the questions,i quietly told myself that i will pull myself together now n only cry at home.minutes later,i tell myself again that i cannot cry,after all,i did not work hard for it! no use crying over spilled milk isn’t it? i still end up crying.selfishly i still wanna get good grades with the crappy effort that i’m putting in.my bf has been quite stressed lately over the possibility of failing.me,being the overly optimistic gal that i am,kept telling him to cool n not stress over it.i keep telling him again n again not to make failing an option.after all,studies so far in this sem. does not seem to lead to the "Failures’ Boulevard" yet. again,overly optimistic. ironically,i need to start scaring/pressuring myself with the ever-so-slight chances of failing so that i can start scoring my As again…..thinking abt it now,the bigger picture is quite scary,really.bad grades now means graduating with lousy honours.lousy honours means lousy jobs in some crap companies.crap companies means not-so-high salary.not-so-high salary means no extra income to put in bank.no extra income means no extra saving which also means my plan of owning my own cafe/bar/lounge needs to be on hold..for even longer…..NO…!!! this cannot happen…. that’s enough…. it all inter-relates… i better start redirecting my life to the right path now before it is too late..!

i had my financial accounting midterm exams in the exam hall today at 12pm.was trying to fuckin study for it yesterday nite but cudn’t get anythin into my head.so end up reading n reading n eventually started understandin part of what i have been reading at abt 12+am.slept at 3am.woke up at 8+ stare at the notes again.never did any questions/tutorials.went McD for breakfast.messaged my buddies askin each n everyone of ‘em to wish me GOOD LUCK as i really needed it then.head to exam halls.do the questions for 2 hrs,cudn’t balance the fucking Balance Sheet.that’s Q1..i’m not even sure if i get everything right for Q2.my blardy bf cud happily balance everything..blardy fucker..!(sry hon,i’m emo now)anyways,came home.kept thinking bout it n I CRIED…like a baby…the reason why i cry…coz i felt stupid.i keep imagining the scenario when i get back the exam paper with one of the lowest mark in the class.i blardy hell dun like to feel stupid.then hon came n console me.he rationalised to me that there’s no way for me to fail the entire paper as this midterm only accounts for 20% of the entire FA paper.we have 3 assessments,1 midterm n 1 final.so it’s 30% + 20% + 50% . then i stopped crying.now i feel stupid i cried.but it did make me feel better.n now i’m telling the world how stupid i am.. by crying.

assessment 3 is tomorrow.gotta blardy study for it n fight for my A for this paper!

collin n meiwah’s good lucks came when i was half way doin da paper.i guess their luck sumhow got me thru Q2..(keeping my fingers cross) for those who borrowed me their own luck for today,i officially give ‘em back to u… thank u.. hehehe

1st off,i’m deeply saddened by the news of the murder of the 3-year-old Shearway Ooi Ying Ying.. what’s more disturbing is that the 2 suspects detained are Shearway’s own mom n the mom’s boyfren… what the hell had happened to the world? the lil’ girl was so cute n looks bright n promising.. Shearway had been burnt and her remains are scattered at various locations.. wat monster!
part of the news report :
"Sources said police were investigating Teh’s
claim that Ying Ying had drowned in a plastic bathtub, which has since
been recovered from the couple’s apartment.The sources added that only Ong was at the apartment when Ying Ying died on Thursday. Teh had found Ying Ying dead when she returned home from work.They said both waited for nightfall before carrying the little girl’s body out of the premises.They added that police were now looking for an oil drum in which Ying
Ying’s body was believed to have been placed before it was doused with
petrol and burned."-courtesy of The Star Online

one ironic news i read was on the Live Earth concert. there was one particular report saying that Madonna,(one of the artist involved in the awareness concert) has one of the highest "carbon footprint"  emitted from her nine houses,fleets of cars,a private jet and her tours. this no. is reported to be abt 100 times the average Briton’s.
i find that The Sun has very good freelance writers writing for ‘em.columns like "WhatTheySay" and "FreeSpace" never fail to offer interesting reads…

these are the things that i wish i can do/that would happen in my life…but all seem pretty unlikely…. so here goes….

1. drive,reverse,go forward and bang into a solid concrete wall specially made so i can ram into it out of frustration… repeat the process till my frustrations cool off. (i think i would nv buy a car n build concrete walls for this purpose even if i’m filthy rich… haha but it would feel nice,i think) -disclaimer : do not try this at home! but if ur idiotic self emerges and make u do it,pls do not ram into the wall at high speed.. u may kill yrself-
2. steal stuffs from a grocery store…
3. walk in to a room where there’s a guy and a girl having hot steamy sex.. lol wonder what my reaction would be like.. opps!
4. pick up a glass of water and splash the content into a guy’s face before slapping him right across the face.. classic!
5. have a lesbian partner and then have threesome… lol
6. bar-top dancing
7. play strip poker
8. bungee jumping….. i think there’s nobody in this world that can persuade me to go for this
9. rear a dog… haha.. biggest joke.. i am afraid of ‘em
10. make roti canai

that’s about it… i’ll write another entry if i can come up with anything more.

as a side note, i saw the L’Oreal Elseve Hair Mask advertisement in the newspaper this morning. there’s a short description on how the model felt after using the hair mask n all.. so she said smth like “my hair feels so smooth now i touch it very often. i even caught my boyfriend stealing a sniff or two every now and then.Now that’s what i call seduction”. this ad sets as a reminder for me to use my own L’Oreal hair mask which has been sitting on the table for months.. hehe but i do agree that scent is a very great weapon of seduction,girls and guys alike. so now that i’m smelling great (from the hair mask and rose scent body foam),i’ve got some seducing to do…haha.. ciaoz!

i know all u guys out there have been going ga-ga over Megan Fox,the chick of Transformers…. yeap,u got it,she’s the latest definition of HOTNESS! and here u go…… feast your eyes gentlemen…

here are some of her interviews:

We’re big fans of art. Tell us about all your tattoos.

I have five. Anytime I have a feeling about anything, I get tattooed. I
have a poem I wrote on my ribcage and a symbol for strength on my neck,
and my boyfriend Brian’s name tattooed next to my pie.

What’s the hottest surprise you’ve ever given a guy?

Recently I lost a bet to Brian over who was going to win some reality
TV show, so I have to cook him a five-course meal in nothing but
panties and fuck-me pumps. And I can’t cook at all—I can make only Hot
Pockets and Eggo Waffles.

How’s your sex drive?
I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy. My sex drive is so high. I’d
rather have sex with Brian all the time than leave the house. He
doesn’t mind.

Ever taken it outdoors?

One night, an ex and I—this is going to suck for Brian—bought this huge
bed sheet at Wal-Mart and snuck onto a closed beach. We covered
ourselves in acrylic paint, rolled around and made a painting on the
sheet. There were footprints here, my ass cheeks there, one part that
looked like angel wings. It was amazing.

–> more sizzling hot pictures and interviews in FHM Online

(i dunno why i do this but i did.. haha ya’ll shud thank me for this)

Dear Mel,
               i have procrastinate in writing this letter for days.. dunno what to write 1st off,and somehow i feel it’s meaningless… but still, i have so much to say that i simply can’t put it off anymore..lately i have been thinking about US, our friendship… missing those days where we used to hang out together,laugh together,share our hopes and dreams together,and most importantly,how we can just sit and say nothing for hours side by side each other…
                  i remember the time when we got really close was in our Form 1 days… we’ll stay back in sch on fridays and just talk… smetimes Elaine joins us too if i’m not mistaken.. she did rite? u’ll tell me that u wanna be an archeologist,and i’ll tell u all the things that i wanna be ranging from teacher to lawyer to air-stewardess.. (but what have luck i grow to be not-so-tall =P)later years,our hangout place eventually moved to the sch field.remember how we used to walk all da way to da end of the field where we’ll collect the red shiny seed thingy. i forgot what it was called.
                  now,i feel sad remembering all those years. i yearn to turn back time and feel your presence beside me again.i’ve missed u.as we grow up,after leaving sec. sch..things hasn’t been quite how it seems. u and i both noes that there are certain things that has happened that somehow had jeopardized our friendship.it may seem petty now,but u and i both cant deny the impact that incident had on our friendship. we were somehow,believe or not,forced to take sides.sides that will pull us further from each other.i always believe things happen for a reason,but i dunno what to make of what happened to US.
                  i regret for not able to refer to u as my "best friend" anymore.no matter how i try to tell myself u are,deep down,i noe i’m being hypocritical.we dun talk to each other tat much anymore,we dun see each other that much,we dun exchange live’s ups n downs anymore,for what i noe,i have been going through a lot of things by myself lately.yes,u may think that i have a bf n he can b my best fren.yes,i tell him everything,but sometimes guys are the lousiest listener and comforter for all i noe.that makes me miss u even more.in these few years,i have learn to build solid concrete walls ard me where emotional and heart matters concern.i haven’t found myself a new best friend.it’s just very hard to trust ppl these days and i feel that i can cope on my own,and with the support of my bf.
                no matter what,i feel happy for u..from what i see,u’re never short of frens,true frens..i’m happy to see that there will always be that someone who will always be there for u,to hold u,to comfort u,to listen to u.your new best friend i would say.dun get me wrong.i’m not angry at u or her.because from what i see,she deserves u more than i do…remember how i would tell u that "hey,u nv meet up with me when u’re back but u met up with so-n-so..i’m jealous"?i really meant it when i said that i am jealous.i really do.but it’s time to let u go.like i’ve said,no matter how i tell myself u r still my best fren,we dun act like one anymore..i’m just glad that memories remain and nv die..
                                                                                      Your friend,
                                                                                           karen

ps:for the lucky and happy people out there who have the one person in the world where they can call as their best friend,i envy u..however,do treasure him or her as best frens are hard to get……i’m still on my quest on finding one. wish me luck.. =)

hey people… pls go n watch Transformers.. it is the must-watch movie of the year..! i dun wanna elaborate so much on the movie.. just go n watch it for urself…!!

i went to watch it yesterday,midnite movie,had a good seat too… sound quality in cineleisure is just amazing…. and this is also the 1st show that i’ve watched where everyone clapped at the end of the show…. so,get ur ass up and moving.. go watch TRANSFORMERS…!!

i think people say the word "fuck" because believe it or not,that word actually gives u a sense of satisfaction after uttering it.at least i feel tat way. haha.. and pls dun tell me that "hey u’re a gurl and u’re not suppose to swear" n all that shit… pls..i’m a 19 turning 20 teenage girl stepping into adulthood and i’m more than aware when u are implying double standard by giving me that kinda comment.in today’s world,girls, especially, shud be allowed to do what they want whenever and wherever. what more in the language used? having said all these,i admit that i’m actually more of a feminist than u’ve known me to be.somehow,someway,i’m forced to keep the feminist side of me quiet.theres not much to bitch about this,having live in Asia and more importantly Msia,there’re just too many things that you’re not allowed to say n do albeit all these are not formally written in a "rules book".nevertheless,it still pisses me off when i come across jerks and egoistic-overly-testosteroned males making sarcastic and sexist remark about women. i wonder when will these people learn to respect and regard women as one and the same standard as them? dun they realize that their moms are women too? what disrespect..

"superficial - concerned with or comprehending only what is on the surface or obvious: a superficial observer."

a superficial observer.one may or may not realize when they’re being superficial.the thing is,no matter how much we deny or ignore the fact,mankind is subjected to being superficial be it voluntarily or not.superficial observers are men/women who only look at things from the outer layer.they do not observe,understand and evaluate what is happening but just make conclusions solely based on what they see or hear.superficiality can be overcome when we take time and reflect on all things that has happened.we mostly do not do so for a hundred tonnes of reasons ranging from "busy" to "simply being ignorant".i guess it helps to shape u more as a person when u realize something is actually more than meets the eye.

on the contrary,it is not always a bad thing to be a superficial observer.hearts can be lighter,days can be brighter and silence can be all the more serene when we just see things as it is without complicating it with something else.it helps to curb paranoia too.

i know i’m writing 2 very contradicting entries on "superficial".but the point is,different subjects and matters require people to view them differently depending on the seriousness of that matter.we’re given brains to think and make judgements,so why put it to waste?
 

have you ever felt guilty after doin somethin? felt like "oh gosh,i shudn’t have done that…" or "i shudn’t have said that.." and then the memories of all the wrong things that u did came creeping up at nite, suffocating u, makin it hard for u to get a good nite sleep. well,i have. in fact, almost always, i realised the wrongs that i’ve done immediately after doin it.. but,what’s done cannot be undone. so i tell myself that "ok,pls don’t do it again…" and i did. tell me about control.. sigh…

have u ever heard smthin bad or terrible about someone and u immediately believed wat u heard? immediately pass judgement on the "subject" without hearing or even bother to find out the other side of the story? well,i have. yes,like i’ve said. i feel bad afterwards. and i took a lil’ initiative to sniff here n there desperate to prove what i heard right. the outcome of the sniffing makes me doubt the things that i’ve heard more.i’m not pin-pointing who’s right and who’s wrong or who’s lying and who’s not.. but life had given me too many bad experiences to finally make me slightly smarter in this sense. i guess it’s ALWAYS wiser to only believe part of what u hear and not treat it like some breaking news u just heard out of CNN and spread it all ard like what u can with CNN news. n of course,there’re always bits and pieces where u can safely let urself believe in. leaves will not shake or move when there’s no wind can they?