Reality Bites
it almost felt painful.the sudden awakening was not expected nor anticipated.but it came just like that.a blow so strong that i find my tears cried earlier wasn’t wasted after all.it’s half a semester gone n i am finally awake.the truth is,i have been slacking,in my studies.i duno wat happened or wat did not happen but i just slacked.i was thinking n trying to find answer to that big WHY question..so i told myself that ‘maybe it was the fairly gd grades i got last semester’.i somehow let it got to my head and i relaxed..fight-for-survival mode was subconsciously shut down.yes,i got fairly good grades last sem. but i forgot how hard i’ve worked for it..and i’m suppose to be doing even better had i kept the mode on.the whole "i don’t like to feel stupid" scenario just seem so wrong.when i was in the exam hall,struggling with the questions,i quietly told myself that i will pull myself together now n only cry at home.minutes later,i tell myself again that i cannot cry,after all,i did not work hard for it! no use crying over spilled milk isn’t it? i still end up crying.selfishly i still wanna get good grades with the crappy effort that i’m putting in.my bf has been quite stressed lately over the possibility of failing.me,being the overly optimistic gal that i am,kept telling him to cool n not stress over it.i keep telling him again n again not to make failing an option.after all,studies so far in this sem. does not seem to lead to the "Failures’ Boulevard" yet. again,overly optimistic. ironically,i need to start scaring/pressuring myself with the ever-so-slight chances of failing so that i can start scoring my As again…..thinking abt it now,the bigger picture is quite scary,really.bad grades now means graduating with lousy honours.lousy honours means lousy jobs in some crap companies.crap companies means not-so-high salary.not-so-high salary means no extra income to put in bank.no extra income means no extra saving which also means my plan of owning my own cafe/bar/lounge needs to be on hold..for even longer…..NO…!!! this cannot happen…. that’s enough…. it all inter-relates… i better start redirecting my life to the right path now before it is too late..!
